o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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