Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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