i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
