I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
