she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
