i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
