Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
