i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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