Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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