I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
