fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
