okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
