i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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