shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
