it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
