whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
