Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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