My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
