I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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