Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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