six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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