I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
