In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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