i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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