so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
