I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
