Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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