I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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