So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
