youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
