Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
