You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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