i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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