tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
