Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
