And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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