that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
