Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
