Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
