i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
