Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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