last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
