My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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