I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
