Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
