she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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