I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
