i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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