I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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