there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
