The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I've blown a few things in my day
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
