you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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