Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
