All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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