I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
